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If I ruled the world

Fifty years ago, Tony Bennett scored a hit record with the altruistic “If I Ruled the World.” In 1995, Nas and Lauryn Hill struck gold with a much racier hip-hop song of the same title.

If it’s good enough for Tony and Nas and Lauryn, it’s good enough for me. In a world increasingly out of control, why shouldn’t I fantasize a better one?

If I ruled the world, all the Republican candidates for president would get it into their little pea brains that the most intrusive regulations U.S. women suffer from are not taxes and gun control but laws controlling our uteruses and sex lives.

If I ruled the world, every gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender person who hasn’t done so would come out to someone on National Coming Out Day, which is on Oct. 11. Debates in legislatures and courts about marriage and other rights continue. We can each play a part in swaying public opinion by being honest about who we are with family, friends and colleagues at work.

If I ruled the world, congressional hearings would only be held on issues we really need information about. Those testifying would actually get a chance to speak and be listened to and committee members turning such hearings into Stalinist show trials would be hauled off with the old show biz hook.

For her dignity, intelligence and strength of character, Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards, daughter of legendary Texas Gov. Ann Richards, would follow her mother into elected office and become president of the United States in 2016.

If I ruled the world, women, who are still paid less than men 52 years after the Equal Pay Act, would pay only 79 cents on the dollar for all retail purchases, rent, hotel stays, transportation costs, etc.

If I ruled the world, all global warming deniers would face a fate appropriate to their offense: Pinocchio-sized noses followed by heat exhaustion, drowning, famine, lung disease. AM talk radio jocks would receive the type of hatred and merciless judgments they inflict on others, preferably from their own children.

If I ruled the world, the next mass killing by a young male loner who can’t make it with girls would take place in a location that might actually make a difference — like maybe the board room of a major gun manufacturer.

If I ruled the world, HBO’s Game of Thrones would end with its three righteous heroines — Daenerys Targaryen, Brienne of Tarth and Arya Stark — ruling an Amazon Empire far away from the Seven Kingdoms after having defeated the rapists and zombie hordes of the North.

In a similar vein, if I ruled the world, Charlize Theron and Emily Blunt would continue to star in action movies and ONLY action movies.

If I ruled the world, Justice Antonin Scalia would choke on spaghetti noodles while writing one of his vitriolic dissents, opening the way for another Supreme Court appointment by President Barack Obama. This is something the president does really well and we’re way overdue for our first African-American woman justice.

If I ruled the world, I would put the “fun” back into fundamentalism by organizing an international Whoopee Cushion Day. Guerilla bands of fun lovers everywhere would plant whoopee cushions on the chairs of bloviating preachers of all faiths. Videos of the Fundamentalist Fart Fest would be posted online, causing the world to laugh religious zealotry into insignificance.

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