Tag Archives: funny

WiGWag: Battery with bacon, marijuana for relief, gorilla takes the cake and more

Where’s the respect?

A Sheboygan man is facing battery and disorderly conduct charges after allegedly throwing a package of bacon at his mother. The mother of Thomas Winkel, 44, said he grabbed her wrist and smacked her with the bacon, cutting her face in the process. Winkel, who appeared intoxicated according to police, said mom was getting on his nerves. 

Mary Jane for ‘George’?

The mainstreaming of marijuana continues with this medical breakthrough. Foria Relief apparently is the world’s first cannabis-infused vaginal suppository created to soothe monthly menstrual discomfort. The suppositories are made of organic cocoa butter blended with cannabis oil to deliver 60 milligrams of THC and 10 milligrams of CBD. The herbal remedy is non-psychoactive. No PMS jokes, please.

Duty calls

About 350 people responded to a jury summons in Pascagoula, Mississippi, by dialing in as instructed. However, the summons contained the telephone number for a sex hotline instead of the circuit clerk’s office. Callers were prompted to select “1” or “2,” depending on whether they wanted to speak with a man or a woman. The clerk’s office said most people probably realized that the number was given in error and hung up.

No diapers needed

Mix one part superstition, two parts fashion, a dab of celebrity idolatry and a heap of media frenzy and what do you get? “Child angel” dolls, the latest craze in Thailand. The dolls occupy a niche somewhere between Buddhist amulets and Furby toys. Their adult owners say the dolls bring good luck, especially if you treat them like your own living progeny by taking them on trips, treating them to meals and praying together at the temple.

In-flight fight

Delta Airlines sent an apology to passengers who were aboard flight 2598 from Los Angeles to Minneapolis on Jan. 22. The Aviation Herald reported that the flight made an unscheduled landing in Salt Lake City due to a fistfight between two flight attendants. The stop caused an hour-long flight delay, prompting Delta to offer travel vouchers to the frustrated — but probably entertained — passengers.

Gorilla takes the cake

The Philadelphia Zoo threw a birthday party for its beloved gorilla Motuba. The festivities included songs, presents and a cake made of Motuba’s favorite foods. But one of the great ape’s housemates snatched the cake and took it up to a perch, where she downed the concoction herself. The cake consisted of specially formulated chow — yogurt, raisins, vegetables and fruit.

Argument stripped

A federal judge has stripped a “GoTopless Day” activist of her core argument against a Chicago ordinance barring women from baring their chests in public. Sonoko Tagami sued after police ticketed her in 2014 during an annual protest of such bans nationwide. The protester said Chicago’s ban infringes on her free speech and other rights. But the judge said precedent requires that, to qualify as protected speech, passersby must be able to get the message that the nudity is conveying.

Not for the pee shy

How do municipalities deal with public urination? In San Francisco, where this apparently happens on a massive scale, the logical approach was to build a public urinal. The city’s first open-air urinal is open for business in Dolores Park. As WiG went to press, there was just one Yelp review of the pissoir. Alan Y. from Oakland said, “Now, instead of getting caught by Stanley Roberts behaving badly, you can just whip it out in the open and use the Outdoor Urinal at Dolores Park. There’s nothing quite like peeing al fresco. Make sure your shoelaces are tied before you venture in there.”

Thieving cheeseheads

Heisters usually go after cash, jewelry, famous works of art, vehicles and expensive electronics. But in Wisconsin, cheese is such a valuable commodity that it, too, attracts the interest of thieves. In late January, burglars stole $160,000 worth of Parmesan, cheddar and other cheeses in two separate incidents in the state. That value is not nearly as much as a painting by Van Gogh fetches, but it’s not too shabby — more than enough to qualify as grand larceny. Although the cheese has been recovered, the culprits remain at large. 

Say what?

A gun rights bill introduced in Washington state by a Republican state representative includes quotes falsely attributed to America’s Founding Fathers. The four-page bill devotes a page to quotes about gun ownership purportedly from the men who created the U.S. Constitution. But at least three of the quotes used in the bill and attributed to Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Alexander Hamilton were not said or written by them. A staffer speaking on Rep. Matt Shea’s behalf said he is “happy to amend the legislation, if necessary, to ensure it includes only accurate information.” 

WiGWag: Wagging about Donald Trump, Kim Davis, Glenn Grothman and more

Fox fix

Donald Trump’s “boycott” of Fox News lasted less than a week — not quite Gandhian in proportion. After Fox canceled an on-air appearance, Trump tweeted on Sept. 23 that the network “has been treating me very unfairly & I have therefore decided that I won’t be doing any more Fox shows for the foreseeable future.” But he was back on the cable network in six days, telling Bill O’Reilly, “You’re always fair.” 

Now he’s an action figure

Speaking of Donald Trump, a company has created an action figure of the bombastic tycoon, complete with toupee. It even talks. “I think he’ll dig it,” said Emil Vicale, owner of Herobuilders.com. “It’s huuuuuge.” 

Thou shalt not …

WiG wants to remind Kim Davis and the Liberty Counsel of that bit in the Ten Commandments about not lying. Davis is the Kentucky clerk who, citing religious beliefs, has refused to issue marriage licenses to gays, failing in her job and violating the U.S. Constitution. The Liberty Counsel is her legal representation. At a recent gathering of Christian right voters in Washington, D.C., LC attorney Mat Staver displayed a photo of what he alleged were more than 100,000 people who gathered in a soccer stadium in Peru to pray for Davis. It turns out that the photo was taken more than a year earlier, during a five-day “Jesus Loves You” convention. Later, after several statements refusing to acknowledge the misinformation, Staver called his use of the photograph an “honest mistake.” Maybe Davis’ adulteries and four marriages were honest mistakes, too. And don’t get us started on her “meeting” with the pope.

What a ‘guy’ …

U.S. Rep. Glenn Grothman of Wisconsin played on the GOP attack team that grilled Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards during a House hearing on Sept. 29. Grothman took a “what’s in it for me” approach and informed Richards that “as a guy” he doesn’t need to go to Planned Parenthood and has plenty of options. Richards informed the guy that each year Planned Parenthood’s 22 health centers in Wisconsin serve 65,000 people, many of them lacking lots of options.

Odd couple

Conservative GOP state Rep. Joel Kleefisch and Democratic state Sen. Lena Taylor of Milwaukee overcame partisanship through sportsmanship. The duo went turkey hunting together early one recent fall morning and posted pictures from the experience on their respective Facebook pages. Taylor bagged a bird.

Fox fix

Donald Trump’s “boycott” of Fox News lasted less than a week — not quite Gandhian in proportion. After Fox canceled an on-air appearance, Trump tweeted on Sept. 23 that the network “has been treating me very unfairly & I have therefore decided that I won’t be doing any more Fox shows for the foreseeable future.” But he was back on the cable network in six days, telling Bill O’Reilly, “You’re always fair.” 

Now he’s an action figure

Speaking of Donald Trump, a company has created an action figure of the bombastic tycoon, complete with toupee. It even talks. “I think he’ll dig it,” said Emil Vicale, owner of Herobuilders.com. “It’s huuuuuge.” 

Costumed sexism

The Representation Project, a feminist watchdog group, is protesting the Halloween costumes the national Party City chain is marketing to girls. The group notes that less than 7 percent of Party City’s costumes marketed to girls are based on occupations. And even those costumes are highly sexualized — like the girl cop costume with a short skirt, black vinyl boots and handcuffs that’s more suggestive of a streetwalker than a police officer walking the streets. Meanwhile, the group had praise for Target and Disney for “reducing gendered marketing to kids.”

The pope and the dope

A publicity stunt featuring a life-size wax figure of Pope Francis appearing to wave from the back of a convertible caused some confusion before the real pontiff showed up in New York City. Officials at Madame Tussauds New York debuted their wax pope by showing off the white-robed figure around Manhattan in a popemobile-like car hours before Francis’ plane arrived. A surprised onlooker called police after mistakenly believing the figure was actually the pope.

A gift from heaven?

Maya Donnelly awoke to what sounded like thunder in the early morning hours, but dismissed it as a typical monsoon storm and went back to sleep. Later that morning, she looked in the carport at her home in Nogales, near the U.S.-Mexico border, and saw pieces of wood on the ground. She found a bulky bundle wrapped in black plastic. Inside was roughly 26 pounds of marijuana that authorities say was worth $10,000 and likely dropped by a drug smuggler’s aircraft. 

Will you take this pizza …?

Memories Pizza, the Indiana restaurant that said it would refuse to cater same-sex weddings, did just that — without even knowing it. Before marrying his partner in Illinois, Robin Trevino, of the sketch comedy group GayCo, drove to Walkerton, Indiana, and picked up pizzas that he and his husband later served to their wedding guests. He captured it all on video, of course.

Burning with fear 

A man with an apparent case of arachnophobia caused a fire at a suburban Detroit gas pump by putting a lighter to what he says was a spider near his fuel door while he was gassing up. A clerk shut off the pump from indoors and called the fire department. The pump was destroyed, but the driver was fine. No word on the spider. 

WiGWAG: Seeing Trump in butter and brewing papal pale ale

Trump’s image appears in tub of butter

A Wildwood, Missouri, woman is said to have nearly lost her lunch when she opened a new tub of Earth Origins Organic Spread and saw the image of Donald Trump staring back at her. “I needed to put on my glasses to make sure it was him,” Jan Castellano, 63, told The Huffington Post. Castellano briefly considered selling the butter tub on eBay and donating the proceeds to Hillary Clinton. But hunger won out over politics, and Trump’s face ended up on her breakfast toast.

The cat’s meow

The mayor in St. Paul, Minnesota, threw out a ceremonial ball of yarn to mark the opening of an annual festival for cat videos that drew thousands of feline fanatics to a city stadium. Mayor Chris Coleman said 13,000 people were at CHS Field for the Internet Cat Video Festival. Videos played on the stadium’s large scoreboard as people watched from the stands and blankets in the outfield. Selections included clips of a cat startling a bear and a scene from Jurassic Park edited to include giant cats. 

Papal pale ale

Cape May Brewing Co. in Cape May, New Jersey, has concocted a special beverage for when Pope Francis visits the United States in September. The brewery is producing 500 gallons of YOPO — You Only Pope Once — a hoppy pale ale available only on draft. A CMB sales rep said the ale pairs well with Argentinean beef.

Worse than bedbugs?

A Days Inn employee said her boss instructed her to flip a mattress rather than replace it after she reported a guest died in the bed. The revelation was part of a racial discrimination lawsuit filed July 30 by a dozen former African-American employees against a Tampa, Florida, Days Inn franchisee. They accuse Jamil Kassim of using racial slurs against them and firing them because of their race. The employees also say they were told to ignore health and safety policies and to clean up blood, vomit and other hazardous fluids.

Walking down the aisle

A vow renewal ceremony for high-wire daredevil Nik Wallenda and his wife Erendira was featured on the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress. When the couple originally married, income limited them to a simple courthouse ceremony. Since then, Wallenda’s become famous for televised skywalks across Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon and Chicago skyscrapers. He’s now rich enough to have a lavish wedding, which he did in January at a museum in Sarasota, Florida. In August, Wallenda completed his longest tightrope walk — 1,576 feet — during an appearance at the Wisconsin State Fair.

Tournament of rednecks

An event that was known as the Redneck Olympics before the Olympics threatened legal action took place in Maine earlier this summer. “Athletes” competed in a greased watermelon haul, tossed toilet seats, bobbed for pigs feet, and held a tug-of-war in a mud pit. They also had an event called a “wife haul.” Hmm. Were they uniformed in dingy white tank tops?

Miracles of nature

University of Wisconsin students are returning to campus for the fall term, but don’t think researchers took the summer off. A bulletin arrived from UW-Madison in mid-August under the headline, “More details on origin of favorite beer-making microbe.” Genetics scientist and yeast expert Chris Hittinger has led a team that says the crucial genetic mashup that spawned the yeast that brews the vast majority of beer occurred at least twice. And both times without human help, despite what those 15th-century Bavarian monks may have claimed.

High on his own selfie

Police say a 25-year-old man was arrested after he climbed a 10-story construction crane in downtown Madison and took a selfie. The man was arrested for criminal trespass on a construction site.

Creepy real estate

A Pennsylvania couple is looking to sell the three-story Victorian that was used as the home of psychotic killer Buffalo Bill in the 1991 film The Silence of the Lambs. The basement dungeon where the killer kept one would-be victim, however, doesn’t exist. Those scenes were shot on a soundstage. Still, agent Dianne Wilk is hopeful someone will pay $300,000 for the home. “People love to be scared. I could see somebody doing something fun with this,” she said.

Making headlines

Sometimes the headline tells the story. And here’s one from The Associated Press bureau in North Carolina: “Man in ax-wielding clown case turns himself in.”

WiGWAG: News with a twist | Calling Dr. Google?

Calling Dr. Google: When your back aches, your eyes itch, your knees go weak or your nose runs, do you go searching for a cause and treatment on the Web? You are not alone, because Google reports that one in 20 searches are for health-related information. However, an analysis by experts in technology information based in Brisbane and Vienna found major search engines provided irrelevant information leading to incorrect self-diagnosis and self-treatment. The result? A bad case of cyberchondria.

Another reason to come out: A Nebraska woman who claims to be an ambassador for God and Jesus Christ filed a federal lawsuit against all homosexuals in the world for breaking “religious and moral laws.” In a seven-page, handwritten petition delivered to the U.S. District Court in Omaha, Sylvia Ann Driskell contends that “homosexuality is a sin and that the homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality,” according to the Lincoln Journal Star. “Why else would they have been hiding in the closet(?)”

Rainbow warriors: How do you keep a Russian submarine at bay? Swedish peace activists staged a stunt earlier this month, playfully launching an underwater defense installation: a gay-themed sonar system. In “Operation Singing Sailor,” the Swedish Peace and Arbitration Society placed a sonar device in the Stockholm archipelago and sent a message in Morse code: “This way if you are gay.” The group was responding to calls for re-armament after a hunt in October for a suspected Russian sub.

Sprayed down: A man is in jail after authorities say he foiled his own robbery by accidentally pepper-spraying himself. Police allege the 43-year-old West Virginia entered a pharmacy wearing full camouflage and a paintball mask. He started spraying pepper spray in an effort to take down employees, but then walked into the cloud of pepper spray in front of him. Police say security footage shows him staggering out of the business. 

BBQ blunder: The owner of Rubbin’ Buttz BBQ and Country Cafe in Milliken, Colorado, placed a sign in his restaurant announcing, “White Appreciation Day! June 11th. Because all Americans should be celebrated!!” He planned to offer white customers discounts of 10 percent. Edgar Antillon thought, “least we could do is offer one day to appreciate white Americans.” Bad idea. He received a bomb threat and protests shut down the server for his website. Now he’s offering the deal to all.

Hungry man: Pennsylvania police cited a 47-year-old man for disorderly conduct after he became furious that a Roy Rogers restaurant on the turnpike was out of macaroni and cheese and potatoes. He was left with a choice of salad, baked apples, baked beans, a fruit cup or coleslaw. Police were called when the man began throwing condiments at employees. 

Ginsburg’s doppelganger: Natalie Portman recently signed on to play U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a biopic titled “On the Basis of Sex,” which focuses on Ginsburg’s support for women’s rights. The actress and the justice have a lot in common. Like Portman, Ginsburg is Jewish and was a great beauty in her youth. Portman left her acting career for several years to receive a degree from Harvard University. While there, Portman was research assistant to famed lawyer Alan Dershowitz.

Strange bedmates

A city councilman in Bremerton, Washington, said he was surprised to learn his wife had filed to challenge him for the office he’s held for six years. Kim Faulkner said she decided to join the race after watching husband Roy Runyon on the council. “I just sat down and said I think the city of Bremerton, District 6, needs more qualified people to run for office,” Faulkner said.

Restroom research: Research published in Gender, Place & Culture exposes gender-based differences in bathroom graffiti. The researchers claim that in the private confines of a public bathroom, men and women stick to stereotypes. Women’s graffiti refers to love and relationships a. Men’s graffiti centers on sexual acts and sexual organs and is characterized as “crude,” “competitive” and “aggressive.”

Scandalous: Fox News is accustomed to ridicule, but usually it’s over factual errors. New York City’s local Fox affiliate, however, came under fire for covering the breasts of a nude woman in a cubist painting by Pablo Picasso. “We decided to blur the nude portions so that we could show it to you on air,” said anchor Dari Alexander before “Les Femmes d’Alger” appeared partially on screen. The painting recently fetched $179 million at auction, making it the world’s most expensive painting.

No foolin’ Actual news can be stranger than fiction

The Secret Service wants millions of dollars to build another White House.

The highest elevation in Florida Gov. Rick Scott’s state is just 345 feet above sea level, but state employees can’t refer to “climate change.”

The U.S. military says elephants might be better at detecting explosives than dogs.

OK, now, are you double-checking the calendar? Wondering if WiG is feeding you April Fools Day fodder? But no, we’re not putting you on. Those stories are for real.

Read on through our second annual celebration of silly, strange, comical and confounding stories that are true.

Ready, or not

The Federal Emergency Management Agency recently issued new rules requiring state and local governments to address concerns related to climate change when planning for disasters. That may be difficult in Florida, where Republican Gov. Rick Scott’s administration allegedly barred the use of the words “climate change” and “global warming.”

Watchdog and environmental groups are calling for an investigation after former government employees say they were forbidden from using the terms in one of the states most at risk from rising seas and stronger storms.

Scott said the allegations are false. But the ex-employees are sticking with their claims. 

In a recent speech, Secretary of State John Kerry weighed in on the matter. “Now folks, we literally do not have the time to waste debating whether we can say ‘climate change,’” he said. “Because no matter how much people want to bury their heads in the sand, it will not alter the fact that 97 percent of peer-reviewed climate studies confirm that climate change is happening and that human activity is largely responsible.”

Flash games

About 19,000 people recently signed up on a Facebook event page to play hide-and-seek at an Ikea in Amsterdam. And another 13,000 signed up to play at a store in Utrecht.

But the Swedish retailer says no more fun and games in its model kitchens, living rooms and bedrooms. The numbers are out of hand. Ikea spokeswoman Martina Smedberg said the company contacted the organizers of the games via social media and “humbly asked them to have their hide-and-seek games somewhere else.”

Red plate special

Did you hear the one about people writing $1,000 checks to have lunch at the Capitol Hill Club in Washington, D.C., with U.S. Rep. Glen Grothman of Wisconsin. It’s true. A thousand dollars. Must be some menu, because it certainly isn’t the personality, wit and charm of the gaffe-prone, lunatic-fringe Grothman.

Damaging domain

Looking for a domain name to really make an online statement? The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers has approved for sale .SUCKS.

But don’t expect to get chickfila.sucks for a song. Vox Populi Registry owns exclusive rights to sell .SUCKS and set premium pricing levels — $300–$2,500, depending on the name.

Analysts said the first buyers likely would be businesses seeking to protect their brand identities.

Still, we know of one newspaper publisher who’d spend his savings — and maybe his husband’s savings — to buy scottwalker.sucks.

Binge-watching bidding?

eBay is up-classing its online auction offerings. On April 1, bidders will be able to get online — live.ebay.com — to watch livestreams from Sotheby’s and participate in auctions, with the exception of major sales of certain art.

First up on the calendar, an auction of photographs, followed by an auction of New York-themed art and then European silver.

An announcement on the site says live-action bidding is quick and lively — each item is for sale for about 2 minutes. That’s going, going, gone.

Princely tunes

Last year on April Fools Day, Bloodshot Records conned consumers into believing it had lined up 21 artists for a rough and rugged roots-take on Prince tunes. Well, Bloodshot apparently misjudged fans, who got really pissed off because they really wanted those Prince covers.

So, this time around, Bloodshot announced the release of Prince covers by Lydia Loveless and Cory Branan and — and then really released the tunes. Loveless covers “I Would Die 4 U” and Branan covers “Under the Cherry Moon.”

Bathroom birth

Isn’t there a saying about a baby and bathwater?

An Iowa woman says she stepped into her shower and started to feel stomach pains. A few minutes later, she stepped out of the shower, with a baby, who is named “Miracle,” weighing in at 6 pounds, 8 ounces.

The 24-year-old woman knew she was pregnant but says she must have misunderstood a hospital worker during a check up. She thought that she was “12 weeks pregnant,” but she must have been told she had 12 weeks left.

Cleanup in the women’s

A meth suppression team was called to a Wal-Mart near Muncie, Indiana, after an employee at the discount store discovered a mobile meth lab in the women’s restroom. The employee saw a suspicious man enter the bathroom with a backpack but leave without the bag. Two people face charges of manufacturing meth, criminal recklessness and dumping controlled substance waste.

The Muncie Star Press, which first reported the story, followed up with a report of other mobile meth-lab busts: Missouri authorities arrested a man for a meth lab on his motorcycle. A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly carrying a mobile meth lab in his pant legs. A woman was arrested after the Louisiana casino where she was cooking meth caught fire. Three people were arrested at an Alabama campsite for manufacturing meth in their tent. And a 64-year-old man was arrested in Fresno, California, for cooking and selling meth from his room at a retirement home.

Brotherly love

A Pennsylvania man was due in court late this month after an arrest for allegedly assaulting his brother. State police said the guy threw a vanity license plate at his older brother. The blue-and-gold plate read, “You’ve got a friend in JESUS,” and had a “John 15: 13-15” sticker, which refers to a passage in the Bible rather than an expiration date for the plate. The passage begins, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

Droopy drawers, Dopey law

The police chief in Opelousas, Louisiana, recently asked his city council to consider an ordinance prohibiting people from wearing saggy pants. The proposed ordinance, modeled on a measure adopted in another Louisiana community, states, “Pants worn by any person, regardless of age, should be size appropriate and secured at the waist to prevent the pants from falling more than 3 inches below the hips (crest of ilium).”

The ACLU says such a law would be unconstitutional — clothing is a form of expression.

Still, city officials continue to discuss a possible ban, as well as extending the prohibition to apply to “daisy dukes.” Now, why do we think more cops would be willing to take a measurement of short shorts than sagging pants?

Strong sniffer

Ringling Brothers Circus says it has plans to retire its circus elephants by 2018. Is it possible the U.S. military has plans for them?

New research that involved the U.S. military as a partner revealed that elephants excel at identifying explosives by smell. They also remember training longer than dogs.

The research took place at a game reserve in South Africa, where elephants learned to raise a front leg when they sniffed out TNT.

Researchers conducted the experiments after learning that elephants in Angola intentionally avoided areas that contained land mines.

Thou shalt not remove

A federal judge is allowing a privately funded Ten Commandments monument to remain at the Oklahoma Capitol. The granite monument, which is about 6 feet tall, was approved by the GOP-controlled Legislature in 2012. The original monument was destroyed last October, when a car drove across the Capitol lawn, but a replica has since been installed.

American Atheists Inc. sued to remove the monument, alleging the government was sanctioning a specific religion and violating the First Amendment.

The state now faces petitions from various groups — an animal rights group, a Hindu leader, a satanic association and the satirical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster — to erect Capitol monuments.

Incarcerated electorate

Anyone old enough to remember the election of 2000 — hanging chads, Katherine Harris, theft of the presidency — won’t be surprised. The ACLU recently filed a federal lawsuit against Jefferson County, Florida, which counted the 1,157 inmates incarcerated at a local state prison in its redistricting. The thing is, Florida inmates can’t vote. In fact, in Florida they’ll have to fight for voting rights even after their release from prison. With more than 100,000 state inmates, the ACLU is now trying to determine the degree of prison-based gerrymandering in Florida. 

White House in the ’burbs

The Secret Service, under scrutiny for security breaches and high-profile gaffes, is asking Congress to appropriate $8 million to build a replica of the White House for training purposes. The second White House — with East and West wings, the grounds and guard booths — would be built at the Secret Service training site in Beltsville, Maryland, about 20 miles from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Secret Service Director Joseph P. Clancy told the House Appropriations Committee that Secret Service agents currently train in a parking lot. “We don’t have the bushes, we don’t have the fountains, we don’t get a realistic look at the White House,” he complained.

Now, wouldn’t it be fun to elect the fake president of the fake White House?

Holy rollers

The Life Center church in Panama City Beach, Florida, has lost its local tax-exempt status for hosting naked paint parties and slumber parties featuring “sexist ladies on the beach” during a weeklong celebration dubbed “Amnesia: The Tabernacle.”

The local sheriff called the church activity a “blatant slap in the face” to taxpayers. And the local property appraiser was bothered by the church’s selling of novelty T-shirts, the collection of donations at the door and signage like, “I hate being sober.”

No foolin’.

WiGWAG: News with a twist | March 26, 2015

POO-POOING ARREST

A Pennsylvania man in Wilkes-Barre thought he could ward off an arrest for public drunkenness by making himself untouchable. As police approached the apparently intoxicated man, he dropped to the ground and rolled around in dog waste. He then told police they couldn’t arrest him covered in feces. But they did.

WILD TURKEY TROUBLE

In 2013 in Frankfort, Kentucky, someone made off with 195 bottles of 20-year-old Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve bourbon and 27 bottles of 13-year-old Van Winkle rye. Perhaps the $26,000 worth of liquor has run out? Earlier in March, Kentucky authorities reported the theft of five barrels of Wild Turkey bourbon stolen from a distillery in Lawrenceburg. Each barrel was valued at $6,000. A tip led to the recovery of the barrels and the arrest of a man also in possession of 25 firearms and two silencers.

SURGICAL SUCCESS

A surgical team in Stellenbosch, South Africa, announced in mid-March the success of a penis transplant. The operation had lasted nine hours in December and doctors are predicting the 21-year-old patient will have full use of the transplanted organ in two years. The patient had his penis amputated several years ago following complications from a circumcision. An announcement said finding a donor was a major challenge.

LABELED SEXIST

Indonesian clothing company Salvo Sports is apologizing for a label stitched into shirts for Pusamania Bornea, an Indonesian sports team. The label for clothing care said, “Washing instructions: Give this jersey to your woman. It’s her job.”

BREWER HYGIENE

An outbreak of pink eye had Milwaukee Brewers shunning high-fives and avoiding fist bumps, unless wearing batting gloves. The AP reported that catcher Jonathan Lucroy and pitching coach Rick Kranitz, among others, caught the highly contagious infection. The players were instructed to tap elbows instead.

AT LEAST HE’S REGULAR

Akron, Ohio, police are searching for someone they said has defecated on 19 parked cars in driveways. The suspect has been striking before dawn. A resident recently caught the suspect on film. 

WHAT HAPPENS IN WINNEBAGO …

An appeals court says a man was properly convicted of videotaping a sexual encounter with a naked prostitute. A jury in Winnebago County convicted Charles Adams in 2012 of illegally capturing an image of nudity. He was sentenced to five years and six months in prison. Adams argued the prostitute had no expectation of privacy and he needed the video to defend himself in case she overdosed on drugs or accused him of attacking her. 

THINK WHERE IT’S BEEN …

An inmate in New York is accused of hiding oxycodone pills in his rectum and selling them to other inmates at his jail. Correction officers at the Rockland County jail found about 50 pills after searching Bryan Lora and his cell.

LOWER HER PAY

Religious-right activist Phyllis Schlafly says that the current pay gap between men and woman isn’t wide enough and that’s hurting marriage. In an op-ed published by the Christian Post, Schlafly maintained that increasing the pay gap would help women find suitable husbands, because women prefer to have higher-earning partners, while men prefer to be the higher-earning partner in a relationship. 

THE WAY SHE WAS

Barbra Streisand’s unusual spelling of her name became popular in the 1960s, when it peaked at No. 511 on the list of most popular names for baby girls. But Barbra is about to vanish. Fewer than five babies got the name last year, according to the Social Security administration.

LOOKING TO THE SKY FOR HELP

Televangelist Creflo Dollar has asked 200,000 followers to donate $300 apiece so he can buy a luxury jet to preach worldwide. The jet that the reverend is eyeing retails for about $65 million. 

SON OF A PREACHER MAN

The son of Alabama’s chief justice — who has made national headlines recently for his efforts to block same-sex marriage in the state — was arrested on drug charges. Court records show 24-year-old Caleb Moore, the son of Chief Justice Roy Moore, was arrested March 15 and charged with felony possession of a controlled substance and misdemeanor possession of marijuana. And not for the first time.

WiGWAG: News with a twist, Feb. 26, 2015

A 33-year-old Sheboygan alderman has resigned following accusations he was sexually involved with a 15-year-old boy. Ex-Alderman Kevin Matichek admitted to kissing the boy but denied the sex allegations. Matichek is a right-wing Republican whose Facebook page promotes fundamentalist Christianity and suggests affiliation with a far-right extremist group. 

Saved by the dog

The daughter of a 57-year-old Germantown woman is praising a police officer for saving her mother’s life, but the officer is crediting the woman’s dog. Officer Jeff Gonzalez was on patrol when he spotted the black lab running in the snow. Following the pooch, he found the woman passed out in a lawn chair on her porch. The temperature was barely above zero and paramedics think she may have been outside for two hours in a coat and pajamas. Gonzalez called it a “Lassie moment.”

Tied-up teddy

Vermont Teddy Bear sought to cash in on Fifty Shades of Grey merchandising with sales of a limited-edition Christian Grey Bear with silky fur, “smoldering eyes, a suit and satin tie, mask” and mini handcuffs. Department and discount stores also sought to turn interest in S&M into “$ & Money.” Wal-Mart is selling a Fifty Shades of Grey gourmet gift basket containing handcuffs, rope, bubble bath and, yes, Twinings Earl Grey tea. And at the same time the Crucifixion Eggs are arriving for Easter. 

Through with Chew

You’re familiar with the Great American Smokeout — and, if you smoke, we encourage you to participate. But have you heard of the fledgling Great American Spit Out? Quit Now Indiana launched the statewide anti-tobacco campaign to inform people of the dangers of smokeless tobacco. ESPN college basketball analyst Dan Dakich, a former Hoosiers’ player and tobacco chewer, was the campaign’s spokesman.

High on unions

While Wisconsin prepares to eradicate unions, Minnesota is adding them. The state’s new medical marijuana industry now has a union. The United Food and Commercial Workers says it has organized one of the state’s two medical cannabis production facilities. July 1 is the first day medical cannabis can be dispensed in Minnesota.

Elbowing her way 

Utah resident Jamie Jackson submitted an application to Guinness World Records claiming to shatter the record for catching the most bridal bouquets at weddings. Jackson says she’s attended more than 100 weddings over the years and caught 46 bouquets since 1996. The current record is 11. Of course, with lesbian weddings the new norm, look for bouquet tossing to become a sport.

Patronizing in pink

Take notice, Republicans. Britain’s Labour Party put a bright pink bus on the road in support of its “woman to woman” campaign to highlight policies on child care and domestic violence. Critics mocked the campaign and color choice as sexist and patronizing and wondered if Labour would employ a big blue bus to inform men of policies on foreign policy, national security and the economy.

Wiener woes

An iconic Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed into a pole in central Pennsylvania. Officials say the giant hot dog on wheels slid off a road and slammed into a pole near Harrisburg, damaging the front of the 27-foot Wienermobile and snarling local traffic.

Cold case

In what is clearly the best imaginable use of department resources, a South Carolina police department devoted its afternoon to ensnaring a dangerous criminal: Elsa, the fictional snow queen from Disney’s Frozen. The region is experiencing unseasonably cold temperatures and officers saw a recent Facebook post by a Kentucky police department issuing a fake arrest warrant for Elsa as inspiration. They took it to the next level, though, hiring a photographer to document their arrest of a model dressed in-character. Presumably, Elsa not being a person of color, the sheriff apologized profusely upon her arrival at the station and let her go quietly.

Bumper cars

A bizarre surveillance video shows a 92-year-old man crashing into nine other vehicles in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot in Wisconsin. “I can tell you in 23 years of law enforcement, I’ve never seen anything like this,” Mayville Police Chief Christopher MacNeill said. “His foot got stuck on the accelerator, and from that point, he panicked and lost control of his vehicle.” No one was injured and the elderly man was not cited in the incident, which occurred in less than a minute.

WiGWAG: News with a twist, Jan. 29, 2015

Banned

A “patriot” restaurant owner in Wyoming, Michigan — a town that appears to suffer from identity issues — has banned Michael Moore and Seth Rogen from his Brann’s Steakhouse and Grille for their outspoken criticism of the Oscar-nominated movie American Sniper. Our hunch is the two well-fed celebrities can find elsewhere to chow. 

Butcher than Miley

Justin Bieber unknowingly crashed a meeting of the Log Cabin Republicans’ Los Angeles chapter in West Hollywood. Bieber turned up at State Social House restaurant and was given his usual table, not realizing it was located within a private area that had been sectioned off for the gay GOP group’s event. “He looked like kind of a butcher version of Miley Cyrus,” group member Ben Coleman said in an audio from TMZ. 

Birth control: for the birds

Officials in Wayne County, Ohio, plan to spike birdseed with “birth control chemicals” in an bird control effort. Officials want to decrease the population of pigeons despoiling the 19th-century courthouse and its decorative statues. Officials said they could reduce the flock with just one application. 

Holy heroin

The sheriff’s office in Hamilton County, Ohio, says officers arrested two people attempting to smuggle heroin into the county judicial center — packed in a Bible. A K-9 caught a scent from the book and then a deputy noticed a coffee-like stain. Turns out the stain contained about 40 units of the drug. 

Big deal in Germany

Germany tops the world when it comes to a penis enlargement procedure known as penoplasty. The International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery said an estimated 2,786 such procedures were performed there last year out of an estimated 15,414 worldwide, which comes out to one in five.

Captive breeding

The pope’s comment that Catholics don’t have to breed “like rabbits” has caused offense, especially among Germany’s rabbit breeders. The president of Germany’s central council of rabbit breeders told news agency dpa that only rabbits living in the wild are sexually overactive. Captive rabbits, he said, have tamer repro habits.

Nipples nixed?

The Sun, the British tabloid owned by Rupert Murdoch, apparently has ceased featuring the topless models known as the Page 3 girls. The offensive newspaper-peddling gimmick has long drawn protests from feminists. But don’t look for complaints to end. One recent issue’s Page 3 showed model Rosie Huntington-Whitely wearing a bra.

Sex ed video raises eyebrows — and eyelashes

In Sweden, an educational video for children featuring dancing genitals has become an online hit. Producers say many parents have found it’s a great way to explain private parts to children. While some called it inappropriate for a program aimed at children ages 3-6, others complained that it’s not progressive because it portrays the penis with a mustache and the vagina with long eyelashes. Critics said the video reinforced gender stereotypes.

Won’t take the cake

A man is accusing Denver baker Marjorie Silva of discriminating against him based on religion because she refused to add an anti-gay message to his Bible-shaped cake. The customer wanted Silva, owner of Azucar Bakery, to decorate a cake with two men holding hands and an X on top of them, plus what Silva described as “hateful words about gays.” She told the customer she’d make the cake and provide him the icing and pastry bag to add his message. Instead, he filed a complaint with the state, alleging he was “discriminated against by the bakery based on my creed.”

No merci

Paris Mayor Anne Hidalgo said she intends to sue Fox News in the wake of the channel’s coverage of supposed “no-go zones” for non-Muslims. Hidalgo said the channel “insulted” her city. A Fox News executive called the warning about a lawsuit “misplaced” and numerous retractions were issued on the network.

No snow

A prominent Saudi Arabian cleric stirred a flurry of controversy by issuing a religious rule forbidding the building of snowmen, because they’re anti-Islamic. Asked on a religious website if it was permissible for fathers to build snowmen for their children after a snowstorm in the country’s north, Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid replied: “It is not permitted to make a statue out of snow, even by way of play and fun.” 

Not the perfect crime

Two men arrested in Houston are accused of stealing an iPad and using it to take selfies that they unknowingly uploaded to the owner’s iCloud account. The men appeared in the photos displaying money they are accused of taking from the victim. The photos ended up online, helping authorities identify the suspects.

WiGWAG: Wonder who is not welcome in Reagan Nation?

Right-wing Reagan nation

A conservative columnist who worked in Ronald Reagan’s administration suggests that certain states in the South secede and form a new country. The name of the breakaway state would be “Reagan,” says  Douglas MacKinnon, the author of “The Secessionist States of America: The Blueprint for Creating a Traditional Values Country … Now.” He suggested that South Carolina, Georgia and Florida establish a new country based on the Christian right’s political agenda, which ultimately means rooted in racism and homophobia. MacKinnon, who speaks fondly of the Confederate South, says Texas isn’t wanted in the new country because “there have been a number of incursions into Texas and other places from some of the folks in Mexico.”

White noise tops charts

Canadians recently proved their love for Taylor Swift, but they might have wanted to click “preview” first. When Swift released a new track from her new album, titled “Track 3,” the song shot to No. 1 on iTunes in Canada. But the release was an accident, and the track contained nothing more than 8 seconds of white noise — at least one listener asked Swift via Twitter if the song was inspired by the ocean.

Unwelcome skit

Some administrators at Natrona County High School are in trouble for a back-to-school skit that contained language and actions violating the school’s sexual harassment policy. The skit, seen by student council members, involved administrators dressed up as cheerleaders and comparing new staff to sex offenders, drunks and serial killers. The skit contained references to masturbation, homosexuality and virginity. It had been previewed during an administrative meeting, which prompted an investigator to wonder why common sense didn’t lead to a cancelation.

Hey, yinz

Gawker released the results of its ugliest accent survey and named Pittsburgh’s as the worst in the U.S. In a brackets contest, Pittsburgh defeated Atlanta, Philadelphia and Boston in the Final Four. The accent, described as an odd amalgam of Southern twang and lazy East Coast diction, turns “downtown” into “dahntahn” and “you all” into “yinz.” 

The gentleman doth protest too much

One hospital patient’s unmentionables just got mentionable. Andrew Walls claims the surgeon performing his colonoscopy or co-workers dressed him in pink panties while he was under anesthesia. The suit seeks unspecified damages for what Walls’ attorney called an “outrageous” prank by Walls’ colleagues at the Delaware Surgery Center in Dover. “When the plaintiff initially presented for his colonoscopy he had not been wearing pink women’s underwear,” charges the civil suit, “and at no time did the plaintiff voluntarily, knowingly or intentionally place the pink women’s underwear upon himself.”

Heartbreak hotel

Apparently, getting hitched by an Elvis impersonator singing “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog” is consistent with the dignity of marriage, but “Same Love” defiles the tradition in the capital of quickie weddings. Las Vegas’ 8 News Now informally surveyed 15 quickie wedding chapels and found that a number are still refusing same-sex couples, despite a law that bans anti-gay discrimination in public accommodations and marriage equality’s recent arrival in the state. Vegas’ tourism department doesn’t feel the same, though, promoting the city to same-sex couples with a full-page ad in USA Today.

The smoking gun

Camel cigarette maker Reynolds American Inc. is snuffing out smoking in its offices and buildings. The tobacco company informed employees that beginning next year, the use of traditional cigarettes, cigars or pipes will no longer be permitted at employee desks or offices, conference rooms, hallways and elevators, although indoor smoking areas will be built. Lighting up already is prohibited on factory floors and in cafeterias and fitness centers. But don’t worry, smoking is totally still not hazardous to your health or anything.

Bad time for a walk

A cockroach embarrassed a Chicago official in charge of pest control when it took a stroll near him in full view of some aldermen. The roach couldn’t have picked a worse time to show its antenna on the wall of the city council chambers: just as Fleet and Facilities Management Commissioner David Reynolds was testifying during a budget hearing about how much money in the budget was devoted to pest control, a persistent problem in City Hall. After the hearing, Reynolds had his office call a private contractor to do some cockroach-busting.

Too much horsing around

A Florida man recently took a stuffed horse off a Walmart shelf and then used the toy to masturbate before returning the item to the shelf. The lewd act was captured by surveillance cameras and, while the man was able to flee the store before security could apprehend him, he was arrested by local police and charged with indecent exposure and criminal mischief. Hopefully the man makes an honest horse out of his next plush paramour and goes through the checkout first.

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WiGWag: News with a twist, from Austria to Indiana

Gnome gate

The Socialist Party of Austria says about 400 garden gnomes placed ahead of elections in western Austria went missing. The figurines disappeared from lampposts used in the party’s campaign. The fingers were pointing at the People’s Party, which denied any involvement in the scandal. 

Love, American Style

A study of American singles from Indiana University-Bloomington shows that during sex with a familiar partner, men have the highest orgasm rates. On average, men experience orgasms 85.1 percent of the time, with their sexual orientation making little difference. Women on average experience orgasm 62.9 percent of the time. Lesbians experience orgasm more often — 74.7 percent of the time — than other women.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THAT…

Florida Gov. Rick Scott has pulled a re-election campaign advertisement after learning that the man who endorses him in it was convicted of human smuggling, The Miami Herald reports. In the Spanish-language advertisement — devoted to Rick Scott’s success in creating jobs for Floridians — Maikel Duarte-Torres is seen hugging the governor and saying, “Four years ago, the economy was very bad. Rick Scott helped Florida’s economy and you can see the difference. …That’s why I support Rick Scott. I’m just like him.” Three years ago, Duarte-Torres was being held in a prison in St. Maartens after having been convicted of trying to smuggle two Cuban girls from the Caribbean country into Miami, and prosecutors believe he may have had a hand in organizing the transport of 10 other Cubans at the price of $12,500 per person.

QUITE THE SECRET INGREDIENT

File this under “ways not to smuggle drugs.” U.S. customs officers found about 7 ounces of cocaine stuffed inside some tamales while screening a passenger at George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston. According to the agency, the 46-year-old man was traveling from El Salvador to New York when officers found a box of 200 tamales hiding nine bags of cocaine inside his luggage. 

Nutty Nugent

Former rock star Ted Nugent continues to strike off-key chords with off-color remarks from the extreme right. After the police shooting of unarmed black teen Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, Nugent said liberals should be held responsible because they keep “repeating the nonsense that more ‘reasonable’ gun control laws will stop street savages from getting their hands on guns and killing each other.” He also said Barack Obama “believes fanning the embers of racism will keep black Americans squarely in the corner of their big daddy Democratic Party.”

Long live the King, again

The Estate of Elvis
Presley and Pulse Evolution Corporation are working to raise the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll using state-of-the-art human animation technology. Elvis Presley will live again in the form of a holograph, appearing in live concerts, commercials and more. What would Elvis think about his high-tech resurrection? Presleyheads know that he owned one of the first mobile phones and watched a projector TV before well before the masses.

Class of 2018

Beloit College in late August released its annual College Mindset List for the new freshman class. Most of the new class of 2018 were born in 1996, have always had The Daily Show to set them straight and rarely have heard the term “bipartisan agreement.” What else? When they see wire-rimmed glasses, they think Harry Potter, not John Lennon. Also, their TVs have always been flooded with ads for prescription drugs, and their disturbing side effects.

SEND BACK THE CIGARS

It’s a soap opera plotline waiting to happen: A Chinese zoo canceled its planned livestreaming of a panda birth after it was discovered that the mother had been faking her pregnancy the whole time. Pandas at the Sichaun zoo’s breeding center are given specialized treatment, including private rooms and additional food, when they’re believed to be pregnant, and experts say particularly clever pandas learn to simulate pregnancies so they can keep their perks longer. No word yet if the panda father’s yet been told to cancel the child support payments.

FOUL PLAY

A South Carolina woman was arrested after allegedly hitting a man she said “passed gas” in her face. Jessica Cerney, 33, told police that 64-year-old Darrell McKnight came home drunk and farted on her visage while she was lying on the couch, according to documents obtained by The Smoking Gun. Furious about the blast, Cerney left the house, but when McKnight followed her outside, she allegedly punched him in the face three times.

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