News with a twist

 

Mega butt!

Officers at an Arizona border crossing found nearly 3 pounds of heroin in packages taped onto a woman’s buttocks and stuffed into the back of her jeans. Authorities say the heroin had an estimated value of more than $45,000.

The beach is back

Ireland’s once-popular Achill Island’s Dooagh beach has returned after being washed away by storms in 1984. In recent weeks, tides deposited tons of sand and shells to the area, making it an instant tourist attraction once again.

John Mayer made her do it

An Alabama woman was filmed stomping out the windshield of a friend’s car. Why? The friend had broken her favorite John Mayer CD, Continuum.

Leave him alone

Richard Simmons is suing the National Enquirer and Radar Online for libel and invasion of privacy. The media outlets reported that the reclusive weight-loss guru is avoiding the limelight because he’s undergoing gender reassignment. Simmons has made more headlines in his retirement years than he did during his heyday, when his bouncy, effusive persona was ubiquitous on television.

Bobblehead Trump

Milwaukee’s National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum recently acquired an interactive Trump doll. Visitors to www.bobbledonald.com can ask The Donald a question and then choose the answer, which makes the bobblehead either nod “yes” or shake its head “no.” Like the real Trump, the bobblehead cannot answer more complex questions, such as “Why did you fire Comey?”

Don’t call me Caitlyn

Among the names for baby girls that dropped most in popularity between 2015 and 2016, the top four were all some form of the name “Caitlyn,” according to the Social Security Administration.

S—t march

Anti-government protests in Venezuela have turned nasty, with demonstrators vowing to add feces to the customary rocks, Molotov cocktails and tear gas they use against security forces. The new tactic has been dubbed the “Poopootov.” Demonstrators are advertising their next action as a “s--- march.”

Get a new lawyer

Richard Henry Patterson of Fort Lauderdale claims his girlfriend choked to death on his ginormous manhood during oral sex. His attorneys want permission for Patterson, 65, to show his penis to the court as exhibit No. 1. Prosecutors, however, aren’t swallowing the story. They’ve charged him with murder and they predict his standard “rough sex” defense won’t go down with the jury. The coroner was unable to determine how 60-year-old woman died.

Privacy or payments?

A woman seeking to obtain child support for her son has lost her case before a court in Munich. She wanted the court to order a hotel to reveal the identity of the man she spent three nights with seven years ago. The woman knew the man only as Michael, and the judge said granting her request could breach the privacy of the four men registered at the hotel under that name during the three-night period.

Mom’s home-cooking

A judge in New Mexico says a man arrested for allegedly breaking into his mom’s house and stealing her soupy stew won’t face charges. The judge dismissed the case against the man, saying the only witnesses to the theft of the posole were the defendant and his mother.

Goaded by God

Pittsburgh police arrested a woman they say threw bricks at a man’s car on charges of propulsion of missiles, criminal mischief and defiant trespass. According to the police report, the woman, who is white, said she received a “prophecy from God” telling her to “throw bricks at white men.”

Barreled over by Bambi

The Associated Press reports a daring deer charmed a group of hunters in Indiana by licking the barrel of a shotgun. Video from the encounter shows a deer approaching the hunters crouching in undergrowth. The deer then nuzzled the barrel of a gun held by one — and lived another day. We should mention that the men were hunting turkeys.

Tweet for free treats

In April, a Nevada teenager took to Twitter to ask Wendy’s how many retweets he needed to win free chicken nuggets for a year. The reply from the fast-food chain: 18 million. He didn’t hit that mark but the exchange became the most retweeted of all time — 3.4 million — and Wendy’s is giving him the year’s worth of nuggets anyhow.

New slogan

The U.S. House of Representatives recent passage of the Republican health care plan spurred creation of another T-shirt slogan: “Nevertheless, she preexisted.” We found ours online, created by the Nasty Woman Society: Apparel that Empowers.

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