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Pre-historic orgies

Using DNA analysis on a leg bone recovered in Siberia, anthropologists discovered the first example of a humanoid with both a Neanderthal and a Denisovan parent. Scientists said the DNA also provided evidence of multiple-generation Neanderthal-Denisovan offspring. The two extinct humanoid species rarely encountered each other, but when they did there was a lot of interspecies copulation, researchers say.

On the edge

Steven Tyler’s attorney sent tone-deaf Donald Trump a cease-and-desist letter after Aerosmith’s “Living On The Edge” was played at the rally in Charleston, West Virginia. “By using ‘Livin’ On The Edge’ without our client’s permission, Mr. Trump is falsely implying that our client, once again, endorses his campaign and/or his presidency, as evidenced by actual confusion seen from the reactions of our client’s fans all over social media,” stated the letter. R.E.M., Neil Young, Elton John and Twisted Sister also have asked the president to stop using their music to campaign.

Pearl Harbor remark sinks trade meeting

A June meeting between Donald Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe about trade wasn’t going anywhere, prompting Trump to dust off a piece of history to use as evidence that Japan was not the great American ally it’s reputed to be. “I remember Pearl Harbor,” he told the PM. “I’m on to the Japanese.” 

Trump’s confused followers

On the day Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort was found guilty of eight felonies and Trump attorney Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to a raft of federal crimes, hundreds of Trump supporters turned out for a campaign-style rally with the president in West Virginia. Reporters covering the event were confounded to hear the crowd chanting “Drain the swamp!” and “Lock her up!” If you can figure this one out, please let us know.

Parking in the Third Ward while black

Corvontae Davis was having trouble opening the door of his 2016 Mustang to look for change to feed a parking meter in the Third Ward, when a woman witnessing his behavior called police to report a burglary in process. Davis — surprise! — is black. He didn’t get the woman’s name, but he posted a video of her 911 call on Facebook. He’s seeking an apology.

Lost in space

Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera lost her chance to become the first alien abductee elected to Congress. She placed fifth in an eight-way Republican primary in Florida, despite having the endorsement of the Miami Herald. Her stories about being abducted by aliens as a child probably didn’t help her campaign, although the GOP has elected wackier leaders in recent years. Before the balloting, Aguilera told voters they shouldn’t let her extraterrestrial experience “define” her.

Bear without a booking

A black bear recently wandered into the lobby of the Estes Park, Colorado, hotel that inspired Stephen King to write The Shining. The bear climbed on furniture, romped past the front desk but left without hearing “Redrum, redrum” or going into the haunted Room 217 (for fans of the novel) or Room 237 (for fans of the horror film).

What’s under your hood?

A woman in Omro, Wisconsin, pulled off the road to check under the hood of her “strangely” acting SUV, only to discover a python coiled around an engine belt. It took two squad cars, several officers, a “snake rescuer” from a nearby town and a towing company to pry the reptile loose. “You just never know what will happen on patrol in Omro,” police posted on Facebook.

GOP photo op 

Ada County Republicans in Idaho are getting criticism for displaying a cardboard cutout depicting Donald Trump holding Hillary Clinton in a headlock at a regional fair. A Democratic candidate for the county commission called attention to the cutout with a photo post on Facebook. She said the display was juvenile, un-classy and “seems to promote violence against women.”

Not sweet enough

Research presented by the European Society of Cardiology indicates that eating three chocolate bars a month can cut the risk of heart failure by 13 percent. Data from five studies involving more than 570,000 people was analyzed to draw the conclusion that consuming some chocolate can be beneficial. However, the research also indicated that eating a bar of chocolate every day could raise the risk of heart failure by 17 percent.

It’s never happened to us

Alex Jones, the paranoiac founder of the right-wing fake news website InfoWars, was caught on camera visiting a porn site. When he held up his phone in a live demonstration of how to access his website, it happened to be on a page featuring trans Australian adult film star Marissa Minx. Jones said he’d never knowingly visited such a site, explaining that unsought porn appears spontaneously on people’s phones all the time.

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