U.S. Sen. Al Franken addressed the Democratic National Convention on July 25, making good use of his comedic and political talents. His remarks.
I'm Al Franken: Minnesotan, Senator, and world-renowned expert on right-wing megalomaniacs: Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and now Donald Trump.
A little about my qualifications. I got my doctorate in megalomania studies from Trump University. Sure, I had to empty out my 401(k) and take out a reverse mortgage on my house to pay the tuition. But Mr. Trump or, rather, some people who said they'd once met him, convinced me it was worth it.
And frankly, as a proud alum of Trump U, I think we may be underestimating Donald Trump. Sure, he's scammed a lot of people. But did you know that Trump University's School of Ripping People Off is ranked second in the nation? Right behind Bernie Madoff University? That's no mean feat.
And Trump University is about more than just bilking people. Although, trust me, you will get bilked. It's also about learning directly from success experts like Scott Baio, Mike Tyson, and, of course, a life-size cardboard cutout of Mr. Trump himself.
Now, of course, Trump University wouldn't be Trump University without its business school. Their bankruptcy program in particular is known throughout the real estate/investment community for its creativity. The most popular course, Bankruptcy 101, or, "How to Leave Your Partners Holding the Bag," is taught by the cardboard cutout itself.
The pride of Trump University, of course, is its library, located on a shelf in a closet on the third floor of Trump Tower. All of Mr. Trump's bestsellers are available for sale at a special student rate, which is 10% higher than the retail price.
Clearly, Donald Trump's enormous, dare I say "huge," success as a businessman qualifies him to be President. And if you believe that, I've got some delicious Trump Steaks I'd like to sell you.
In all seriousness, I think rather than voting for someone who's never done anything for anyone other than himself, maybe we should go with the candidate who's spent her entire life working to get important things done for the American people.
I've known Hillary for a quarter-century. I've never met anyone smarter, tougher, or more ready to lead us forward. I am proud to call Hillary Clinton my friend. And I can't wait to call her Madam President.
Now, we're going to have a lot of fun this week. But when we wake up Friday morning, there will be just 102 days left until the election. And what you – yes, you – do in those 102 days could determine who wins. I mean that literally. I won my first race for the Senate by 312 votes.
Where's my Minnesota delegation? There are people there who talked to 312 voters by themselves. Each one of them, individually, is the reason I'm giving this speech here and not into my bathroom mirror.
My friend Paul Wellstone used to say, "The future belongs to those who are passionate and work hard." This week is about passion. But starting Friday morning, it's all about hard work.
Many of you have jobs. Many of you have families. Ignore them. Let me tell you something: kids love it when their parents aren't home. And let me tell you something else. An 8-year-old knows how to use a microwave. And let me tell you something else. An 8-year-old can teach a 4-year-old how to use a microwave. That's just scientific fact.
They'll be fine. You have work to do. Get on those phones. Knock on those doors. And tell 'em Al Franken sent you.