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WiGWAG news with a twist, April 23, 2015

At the seashore

Among the seashells, sandcastles and ocean waves at the Jersey Shore last year, beachcombers also sighted a whoopee cushion, a parking meter, human poop, an engagement announcement, a stun gun, a ski pole, a set of vampire teeth, a clay sculpture of the baby Jesus, 563 condoms, some bra padding and 3,200 tampon applicators, locally nicknamed “Jersey beach whistles” for the propensity of children to pick them up and use them that way. More than 315,000 items of such trash were picked up from New Jersey’s coastline in 2014.

Something to sing about?

There is no shortage of beards, camo, hunting and God in "Duck Commander Musical,” the stage version of the hit reality TV show "Duck Dynasty." The 90-minute Las Vegas show, with Broadway backers and bonafides, features a high-kicking dance number complete with sequined camouflage costumes.

Trimming plan

A bill proposed by Nevada state Sen. Mo Denis has people looking in junk drawers for tape measurers. Denis wants to pass legislation requiring the state to report on obesity and efforts to slim the population. Her bill defines an obese person as a man with a waist size of 40 inches or more or a woman with a waistline of 35 inches or more.

Offensive to whom?

Officials at Clermont Northeastern Middle School in Batavia, Ohio, censored a picture of an eighth-grader who wore a T-shirt on class photo day with the word “FEMINIST.” The word was photoshopped out, because “some people might find it offensive,” said principal Kendra Young. 

No. 69

A Vietnam War vet sought to personalize his Utah license plate with the year he was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart. However, the Utah Division of Motor Vehicles denied Arnold Breitenbach’s application for a plate reading “CIB-69” — for “Combat Infrantyman’s Badge” and “1969.” The agency had a problem with “69,” because it has sexual connotations.

A Spotted Cow Speakeasy?

Everybody loves New Glarus’ wide variety of craft beers, but everyone also knows the biggest rule of New Glarus beer: you can’t buy it outside of Wisconsin. So patrons of the Maple Tavern in Maple Grove, Minnesota, should have known something was up when the bar put six barrels of the company’s signature brew, Spotted Cow, on tap — a felony offense. An anonymous tip led police to the Hudson, Wisconsin liquor store where the tavern’s owners bought the beer, and undercover officers confirmed it by walking right up and ordering one. Hopefully the cop left a good tip at least.

Express to space

Yesterday, they had Tang. And today? The space exploration team at Cape Canaveral, Florida, was struggling against bad weather to ship an Italian-made instant coffee espresso maker to an astronaut aboard the International Space Station. ISS resident Samantha Cristoforretti has been going without since November.

A whopper of A wedding

Burger King is paying for the wedding of Joel Burger and Ashley King, who, according to the Springfield, Illinois State Journal-Register, have been known as “Burger-King” since about fifth grade. The couple announced their engagement earlier this spring, posing in a photograph beside a Burger King sign. 

Twisting history

Larry Kramer, you never change. The new (hopefully satirical?) book by the playwright and AIDS activist, "The American People: Volume 1: Search for My Heart," presents George Washington as a “big queen” and describes Jamestown as a hotbed of gay sex before women arrived. Kramer also asserts that John Wilkes Booth was a gay man who gave Abraham Lincoln’s longtime friend Joshua Speed — a male hustler, according to Kramer — to the president as a “gift.”

Ice cream chugger

Ben & Jerry’s is partnering with New Belgium Brewing to release a beer this fall called “Salted Caramel Brownie Brown Ale.” Sales will benefit an organization called Protect Our Winters, which helps fight the effects of climate change on mountains. 

‘Like’ this

Ellanora Baidoo doesn’t need to have any facetime with her estranged husband to get a divorce. A New York judge authorized the woman to notify her husband of divorce proceedings through a Facebook message. Baidoo told the court her husband was hard to find, really hard to find — he’s only been in touch with his wife via phone and Facebook since the civil ceremony more than five years ago.

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