Accessing ‘Thor’

Reasons not to see “Thor”:

Chris Hemsworth: He portrays the Nordic god cum comic book character with an Aussie accent. Hemsworth (in a bad hairpiece) is not that pretty and when he’s shirtless, he’s not shirtless nearly long enough.

Natalie Portman: After spending the entire movie as storm-chasing scientist Jane (me Thor, you Jane, get it?), somewhere between agog and a drool, Portman should consider calling Annette Bening and graciously handing over her Oscar to the better actress.

Kenneth Branagh: the director can now get back to his Shakespearean scenery nibbling.

Your eyes: “Thor” is yet another good example of unnecessary 3D abuse (see “Monsters Vs. Aliens”). Please stop the madness – or make better fitting and more flattering 3D glasses.

Your hearing: If you see “Thor” in 3D, chances are you will also hear it in Dolby 7.1 Surround Sound. Bring earplugs. And Dramamine.

The “special effects”: Didn’t we already see some of these in “TRON: Legacy”? Here’s an idea for a special effect: Anthony Hopkins’ retirement.