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rapture

May 21 Rapture scheduled for 6 p.m.

The upcoming Rapture is set to begin on May 21 at 6 p.m. local time in the Pacific Rim, according to doomsday Christian Harold Camping and his followers.

At that time, according to believers, devout Christian extremists – especially, one presumes, those who hate gays, love war and worship money – will begin ascending into heaven by the droves. Everyone else – especially, one presumes, LGBT people, do-gooders, peace lovers, evolution believers, Jews, Muslims, atheists, Hindus, Buddhists and agnostics – will remain on Earth to endure nearly six months of heinous pestilence and war.

Then, on Oct. 21, comes the piece de resistance, the glorious moment that Christians for millennia have longed for and worked hard to achieve: the total destruction of God’s creation.

For those who believe that God is in the details, visit Lauri Lebo’s blog. She explains that the Rapture will be an unfolding event that begins promptly at 6 p.m. in each time zone. In case there’s not a clock nearby, you’ll know the event is at hand nonetheless because a conveniently timed earthquake will precede it. Think of it as God’s Rapture alarm clock.

In advance of the horror so cherished by right-wing Christians, including Wisconsin Lt. Gov. Rebecca Kleefisch, defiant heathen members of American Atheists and the Center for Inquiry chapters are throwing big Rapture parties.

Unfortunately for pet lovers, cats and dogs are not eligible to be raptured. The loving, eternal God apparently detests everything in his creation that does not vote in Republican primaries.

But for pet lovers concerned about the welfare of their animal companions during those wretched 153 post-Rapture days, an innovative company called Eternal Earthbound Pets offers insurance that will cover pet care for those called home to Jesus. For the affordable fee of $135, you can be sure Fido is fed, watered and walked here on Earth while you’re strumming your harp in heaven. The offer is good for 10 years after receipt of payment, just in case Camping got his date wrong, as he did in 1994 – the last time he predicted the event.

The fee covers one pet per household, but additional pets can be insured for $20 each. The company employs 40 pet rescuers in 26 states, including Wisconsin.

Don’t wait for that rumble, sign up now!

 

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