Hefner and the unhealthy straight lifestyle

The religious right spends millions of dollars each year promoting inflammatory depictions of unhealthy gay “lifestyles” as the norm for the LGBT community. But it appears that the creator of the world’s most envied straight lifestyle, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, lives a life of sexual dysfunction more gag-worthy than anything evangelical Christians can throw at us.

In her new memoir, former Playmate Izabella St. James reveals how Hefner, 84, treats his harem at that temple of traditional heterosexism known as the Playboy Mansion. For starters, she recounts the problem of Hef’s dogs:

“They weren’t house-trained and would just do their business on the bedroom carpet,” writes St. James, in excerpts that appeared in London’s Daily Mail. “Late at night, or in the early hours of the morning – if any of us visited Hef’s bedroom – we’d almost always end up standing in dog mess. Everything in the Mansion felt old and stale, and Archie the house dog would regularly relieve himself on the hallway curtains, adding a powerful whiff of urine to the general scent of decay.”

St. James also shares how Hefner, who recently announced his engagement to Crystal Harris, 24, paid his harem.

“Every Friday morning we had to go to Hef’s room, wait while he picked up all the dog poo off the carpet – and then ask for our allowance: a thousand dollars counted out in crisp hundred-dollar bills from a safe in one of his bookcases. We all hated this process. Hef would always use the occasion to bring up anything he wasn’t happy about in the relationship. Most of the complaints were about the lack of harmony among the girlfriends – or your lack of sexual participation in the ‘parties’ he held in his bedroom.”

Of course, there’s nothing in the way Hefner lives that’s inconsistent with the “traditional” sexual morality promoted by the Bible. The good book encourages men to take as many wives and sleep with as many servants as they can afford. It also mandates the complete submission of women to men, including surrender of control over their bodies.

And, in biblical times, living in close proximity with domestic animals and their refuse was the norm.