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Written by Jamakaya
Oct 7, 2011
Oct. 11 is National Coming Out Day. Who are you coming out to?
Although I’ve been out to almost everyone since the 1970s, I always try to find someone new to come out to. Sharing our stories and being honest with people is the most simple, effective means we have for winning hearts and minds. In addition to the personal satisfaction and deeper relationships that result from coming out, it advances the LGBT community’s quest for equal rights.
Almost 40 years ago, my first attempts to come out were like shaky little baby steps. When I was still in high school, I carried around a big pink-covered book with the title “Out of the Closets: Voices of Gay Liberation.” I guess the idea was to provoke comment. The funny thing is that when comments ensued, I would launch into a passionate defense of gay people without really coming out myself.
Given that I had hopeless crushes on half the girls in school – to the point of lapsing into moony-eyed stares and buying them excessive gifts – I wasn’t exactly clueless or conflicted about my sexuality. But I was apparently still afraid to say it out loud.
Then I got to college and bonded with feminist and lesbian activists at UW-Milwaukee at the height of the women’s movement. I entered a militant coming-out phase. I had had relationships with women by that point, so my lesbian tendencies were happily confirmed, and I was ready to declare myself to the world. What is it some wag said about “the love that dare not speak its name has become the love that won’t shut up”? That was me.
I was loud. I was confrontational. I wore T-shirts with big letters spelling out “DYKE” and “LEZZY.” Involved in student activities, I’d demand lesbian speakers at university events. I’d harangue professors about including famous lesbians in the curriculum. Worse, I would berate straight women friends, telling them they were not politically evolved enough because they were not lesbians. I was insufferable.
In my 30s, I got a graduate degree, professional work and writing awards. I became downright respectable, darn it, and my position gave me increasing opportunities to speak before academic and community groups. In coming out and in being a “public” lesbian, I toned down the anger and strived for connection. This was after learning the rather obvious lessons that humor trumps hostility and understanding requires empathy.
Today when I come out to people, it’s usually matter-of-factly, in the natural context of getting to know them. Sometimes a new acquaintance will ask if I’m married (in the heterosexual sense), which catches me off guard because I think I’m such a dyed-in-the-wool dyke and I’m surprised they don’t perceive it. I’ll tell them I’m gay and, if they seem game, I’ll add that in most of the country people like me still don’t have the right to marry, which cues a discussion of same-sex marriage.
One other time I always come out is when I hear a homophobic slur, which is often from kids outside schools or on buses. I tell them in a very authoritative voice to cut it out, I don’t appreciate it and neither do their friends who are gay. If they persist I sometimes get aggressive about it, especially if they are obviously bullies, who need someone to stand up to them or shout them down.
I hope these lessons help you have a great Coming Out Day!
