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Written by Abby Dees
Jun 2, 2011
Abby Dees
Do you ever wonder why straight people just can’t “get it” about our lives?
I do, but after 25 years of being an out lesbian, I’ve learned that almost anyone who wants to will eventually figure it out if we give them some grace and patience.
Let me take you way back to the 1980s, when I came out. There weren’t a lot of choices for where to find lesbians. Being a wonky op-ed-reading type, I gravitated toward the political end of the spectrum rather than lurk around the smoky lesbian bar over by Sears. I got on board with my local radical lesbian scene – otherwise known as the YWCA rape hotline – ostensibly changing the world but also hungry for a date.
Within minutes my enthusiasm gave way to a feeling of abject failure, as my well-meaning but way-intense sisters laid into me for not knowing anything about, well, anything. Phallo-centrism? Heterosexism? White privilege? Classism? Able-ism? This was all new to me, as these women never hesitated to point out publicly. My ignorance was de facto evidence that I was a tool of the patriarchy.
I quickly figured out that I’d better shut up around my way-more enlightened sisters rather than risk making yet another mistake out loud.
Then one day, I had enough: a final “tsk-tsk” about my political purity. I can’t recall my transgression, but it could have been anything from shaving my legs to listening to Iggy Pop; in any case I had a sudden, blinding realization that at that particular moment I would rather be hanging with frat boys.
That was the beginning of a new way of thinking. I’m all for hard-core political people – we need our warriors to keep our eyes on the prize. But there also has to be a time and place for the rest of us to figure a few things out.
I try to think about this when I lose my patience with clueless straight people. We all know how tiring it is when someone who should know better lowers her voice instinctively to say says she’s fine with you being gay. Or worse, when your dad never asks about your partner of eight years because he thinks it’s your private business. Really? Is it 1952? Haven’t you ever watched “Oprah”?
I remember how I wished someone had let me ask some stupid questions back in 1985 without slamming me for not knowing the answers. Talking to me is part of my straight loved one’s process. We all walk our path at different times, at different speeds (I’m cringing at all the mistakes I’ve made along the way). The issue is not whether someone knows the right terminology, or why same-sex marriage is a human right, for example; it’s about whether they really care to learn more. That’s what matters most.
I get that some days we don’t want to be the world’s teacher about LGBT sensitivity. But would you rather someone stay silent rather than risk asking a perhaps-clunky question about our lives? A few minutes of time and energy is all it takes to disabuse people of misinformation, one well-meaning straight person at a time.
And that is the key. Do they mean well? That counts for a lot, and we don’t owe anything to people who don’t. But the ones that respect us, but don’t always get us – give those people a moment to learn. They will, in time. ‘’
Abby Dees is a Los Angeles-based civil rights attorney, editor and author. Dees has written, “Queer Questions Straight Talk” to help close the communication gap between the LGBT and straight communities. Go to queerquestionstraighttalk.com.
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