3661
(1 vote, average 5.00 out of 5)
Written by Lisa Neff, Staff writer
Sep 22, 2011
Amy Kallas showed the first symptoms she had a rare form of endometrial cancer shortly after Mother’s Day in May 2008.
“It was a very aggressive form of cancer,” said Ann Lewis, Kallas’ partner.
On May 21, 2010, Kallas died at the age of 63, and Lewis began the struggle to cope with the loss, to deal with the grief.
“Amy lived life large,” Lewis said. “She was a bold personality. And smart. And funny. And you never had to guess what was on Amy’s mind. She was very out there. Very outspoken.”
Lewis and Kallas shared 24 years together, most of them in Milwaukee and the last few in a suburb of the city.
They were married in their hearts, if not by law.
“Our world revolved around one another,” Lewis said.
Kallas, briefly, was in care affiliated with Horizon Home Care and Hospice. And after her partner’s death, Lewis received an invitation from Horizon to attend a grief support group for those who lost a spouse or a partner.
“I’m a believer in support groups,” Lewis said.
She was feeling isolated and alienated after the death of her best friend, lover, confidant and companion.
“The best way I’ve been able to describe it is I felt like I was outside of the spaceship on a walk and someone cut the tether,” she said. “I felt so disconnected. … That person who had given so much meaning and organization to my life was gone.”
So, Lewis began attending support sessions at the Horizon Grief Resource Center led by counselor Kayla Waldschmidt, who observed that the “loss of a spouse or a partner affects every minute of every day. Everything changes.”
The loneliness for the survivor can be intense.
“One of the most helpful things was being able to go and talk about the pain of the loss, the pain around trying to pull my life together and finding that other people in the group were going through the same thing.”
The experience with the Horizon group was terrific.
“I was very open about who I was,” said Lewis, who is retired from a consulting business. “And who my partner was and the issues I was dealing with. And, in many ways, these were the same issues that all of the straight people in this group were dealing with.”
But some of Lewis’ issues were unique, and she began to see the value of a support group specifically for LGBT people grieving the loss of a partner – dealing with estranged relatives or strained relationships, the legal matters that can be complicated by the lack of a marriage license or a partnership certificate and, no less important, society’s perception that the loss of a partner is less significant for unmarried people.
Waldschmidt also saw the need: “Partner loss is not recognized. We discount people in long-term relationships who aren’t married or just lived together, thinking they weren’t married so they couldn’t have been in that deep of relationships.”
At the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center, executive director Maggi Cage, with funding support from several sources, was fortifying partnerships with Horizon and Jewish Family Services to operate an LGBT mental health clinic, providing clients with individual and group therapy and prescription assistance.
The opportunity had arrived to create the Death of a Partner Support Group, the first in the Milwaukee area.
“I felt I wanted to get a conversation going about the viability of an LGBT group,” Lewis said. “And so the three of us sat down and did some brainstorming.”
The group has started small, with a couple of people dropping in with Waldschmidt on Wednesdays from 12:30 p.m. to 2 p.m. at the center, 252 E. Highland Ave.
“My hope is that the group will continue to add members,” Waldschmidt said.
“We’re still trying to figure out how to get going, where to place announcements, what times will work,” Lewis said. “This is a brand new endeavor.”
The meeting day might change. The hours might change. But not the purpose.
“I think this is really important,” Cage said of the loss of a partner group. “It’s a brilliant idea.”
The center plans to expand its group offerings, which in addition to the grief support group already include a lesbian support group, an HIV/AIDS support group and a psychodrama group.
Lewis said her late partner, who once served on the center board and was a friend of Cage, would be proud of the initiative.
“Amy was the activist,” Lewis said. “And was involved with the center quite early on.… I think she’d love it. There’s an opportunity here to get involved, to make a difference and hopefully help someone else have a little easier path.”
And Lewis’ path? “Activist” seems to suit her well, said Cage.
“Ann is a champion for this cause,” she said.
