Graphic: Jason Smith
Making Valentine’s Day our own
Thursday, 28 January 2010 10:58
From the jewelry counter to the Hallmark shop, same-sex couples are surrounded by idealized images of heterosexual love. But people like them are almost invisible — or, when they’re not invisible, often controversial.
Despite this unwelcoming environment, the love that once dared not speak its name is thriving. Just ask the same-sex Wisconsin couples WiG spoke with about Valentine’s Day:
Maria & Jennifer Cadenas
As executive director of Cream City Foundation, Maria Cadenas promotes the visibility of same-sex couples by coordinating the “Gay Neighbor” campaign, which features pictures of same-sex couples and their families on billboards and public transit. Cadenas’ life reflects that of the couples on the billboards — she has a spouse and a child.
This Valentine’s Day, Maria and Jennifer Cadenas, who had a civil union ceremony in 2003, will have 13-month-old Alejandra in tow if they go out to celebrate their relationship. But, “We might just buy a cake and stay home,” Maria says, noting the perils of dining out with an infant.
Although Alejandra is a new addition to their relationship, the Cadenases will continue practicing a personal tradition they’ve observed since their first Valentine’s Day together: They will create handmade cards for each other.
“Mine tend to be very short,” Maria says. “She puts glitter on hers and uses colorful markers.”
In addition to Jennifer, Cadenas remembers her friends on Valentine’s Day. “In Mexico, Valentine’s Day is also Friendship Day — “El Dia de Amor y Amistad” — and it’s a chance to call your friends and say how much they mean to you as well,” Cadenas says.
John Becker & Michael Knaapen
John Becker and Michael Knaapen got married four years ago in Toronto during spring break from UW-Steven’s Point. Their first Valentine’s Day together was a modest event.
“We were living in the dorms and we didn’t have much of our own space,” Becker says. “Michael made a card and bought some candy and trinkets and decorated my room while I was gone. It was a sweet gesture. It was unexpected.”
This year, Valentine’s Day will be less modest, but still frugal. They’re living in Milwaukee now, where Knaapen is taking pre-med courses and Becker, who’s a musician and singer, is looking for work.
“We’re going to combine celebrating Valentine’s Day with our anniversary (March 22),” Becker says. “We’ll probably have a nice dinner, and we like to surprise each other with something like a note on the bed or a box of chocolates or flowers.”
Becker says he refuses to let the heterosexism in society put a damper on his relationship.
“As a musician, I perform at weddings, and it’s slightly bittersweet, because you’re reminded every time that we’re denied that kind of public affirmation of love in our own state,” he says.
Genia Stevens & Andrea Kleinheksel
“I finally like Valentine’s Day,” says Genia Stevens. “To me, it used to be just a stupid holiday, because I never had a person I was in love with before.”
After meeting Andrea Kleinheksel a little over a year ago, Steven’s attitude changed.
“I remember telling (Genia) that after this Valentine’s Day, you’re going to love Valentine’s Day,” Kleinheksel says.
She was right.
For their first Valentine’s Day, Stevens warned Kleinheksel that she didn’t like spending money on flowers, because they die. So Kleinheksel made paper flowers and wrote a poem that she framed and left on Stevens’ dresser.
But Stevens has come to embrace romantic gestures like flowers and candy. In fact, she sent both to Kleinheksel at the school where she teaches. Her colleagues gave her a good-natured ribbing, Kleinheksel says.
“I hadn’t gotten flowers in 10 years,” she says.
Stevens and Kleinheksel live in Beloit, where they became well-known locally as a couple after the Beloit Daily News profiled them on the front page for a story on the state’s domestic partner registry. But for Stevens, who hosts the podcast SistersTalk Radio, being out is a way of life.
This holiday, they are going to Atlanta, where they plan to enjoy an elegant dinner and an evening on the town.
“That is our gift to each other,” Stevens says. “We love to travel.”
Mark Pocan & Phil Frank
This Valentine’s Day, Mark Pocan and his spouse Phil Frank plan to be on a plane traveling home to Madison from South Africa. They originally wanted to marry there in 2006, but instead tied the knot in Toronto before a honeymoon in Bali and Indonesia.
It’s perhaps ironic that Pocan, who’s an openly gay state representative from Madison, had to travel out of state to get married.
As co-chair of the Assembly’s Joint Committee on Finance, Pocan wields a lot of power in Madison. But when it comes to romance, he’s an ordinary citizen.
“One Valentine’s Day we rented a room at a little hotel here and decorated it,” Pocan says. “Another year, I took lessons from a masseuse, so I could do a real nice massage.”
But, “birthdays are the days that we tend to go more overboard on,” he adds.
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