The following is an open letter to Julaine Appling, president of Wisconsin Family Action.
You’ve dedicated your life to promoting heterosexual marriage as the crowning pinnacle of civilization. Yet you have remained single.
Now, as a never-married, middle-aged woman, you are reduced to beginning speeches by claiming you are “straight.” How humiliating. If only you were married – like Marcus Bachmann, for instance – then you might rest above the uncharitable suspicions of filthy minds.
Of course, you’re not suspect merely because you’re single. People are inclined to make assumptions about women whose saunter is more John Wayne than Marilyn Monroe, whose voices are more Johnny Cash than Dolly Parton. We long for the day when humans are not subjected to such meaningless stereotyping. Unfortunately, due partly to the divisive efforts of people such as you, that day has not arrived.
Then there’s your “roommate” Diane, the unmarried woman with whom you have lived for so many years and purchased a home. This undoubtedly innocent relationship only fuels the vicious rumors about your sexual orientation.
We’ve decided to turn the other cheek on your opposition to our rights. We want to help you achieve the marital bliss that is your life’s obsession. OK, there is a self-serving angle to our offer: If you were happily married, maybe you’d leave us alone.
Frankly, we are surprised you haven’t found Mr. “Christian” Right already. You must meet countless heterosexual, pro-marriage, age-appropriate followers of Michele Bachmann who have lost their wives due to death, divorce or murder. Has none of these eligible gentlemen ever caught your eye?
Get aggressive, Julaine. Ask for a phone number. Use some of that chutzpah you show on the soapbox in your personal life. You’re not getting any younger.
The right man for you should possess not only faith but also worldly means. Sure, it’s hard for a rich man to get into heaven (wink, we know God was only kidding about that one). But the aptly named “golden years” are quite costly.
So why not tap some of those rich, powerful political allies who owe you a favor – billionaire David Koch, for instance? You took a big risk letting him use your return address on a fraudulent campaign flyer. The least he could do is to introduce you to his wealthy single male friends in return.
Even if your friends turn their back on you, we will not. Call it an act of “Christian charity,” if you like. We hereby launch WiG’s campaign to find you a suitable husband.
Once we’ve found you that special someone, Julaine, we’re going to bring Wisconsin’s LGBT community together to give you a wedding so fabulous Fox News will be begging for broadcast rights.
Can you feel the rainbow yet?